They say that when a man marries a woman, he thinks, “She’s the one I’ve been waiting for. She’ll never change.” – but she always does. When a woman looks at her man, she thinks, “He just needs a little work; after we are married, I’ll help him change” – but he never does.
Most of us see our partners through our idea of what we think they are, rather than seeing them as they are or as they see themselves. This is the problem: when you decide to change your partner, you demonstrate your desire your image of them to take place.
Engage your partner with curiosity; forget judgment and you will discover a whole new world. So, if you want a great relationship, you have to let your partner be what they are.
Your frustration with your partner is a denial of reality. The deepest form of suffering is the denial of reality and the greatest denial of reality is denying the reality of the person you live with.
The reality is the difference that attracted you two in the first place.
Your partner has an inner world that is different from yours. Your partner’s sexual desires are different. Your partner’s childhood was different. Your partner’s feelings are different and the way they react is different. Your partner’s thoughts and thought process is different.
Your partner is NOT you!
Religious beliefs are something that is deeply ingrained in you, and often these beliefs have been passed down in your family. It is common for someone to believe less in their religion or even convert for their partner, if your significant other is deeply religious it can be problematic in an interfaith relationship.
Most problems for couples, in terms of religion, don’t arise until later or until they decide to have children. People who were raised going to religious services often want to resume this practice when they have their own children . On the other hand, if their partner is an atheist and agnostic, it is highly unlikely that they will become devout believers just because they live with a religious person. If religion matters to your partner, it is unfair to expect a change.
Personality:It is impossible to make someone behave the way you would want them to. People are who they are, although some personality features are due to social conditioning. The tendency to change diminishes greatly once you turn 30 – one’s personality stabilises in adulthood. Our core personality traits have a strong genetic component and remain constant during our lives.
Families, especially your partner’s parents, can be a touchy subject, and if any sort of criticism of them comes into the conversation, be ready for an explosion at any time. People’s feelings are not likely to change after you two meet. Keep an open mind and try to compromise.
Hobbies: Relationship researchers believe that couples who take up similar hobbies together are much happier because the experience they share, brings novelty and excitement to the relationship. If you try to make your partner change or stop their hobbies, that will only stir trouble and set the relationship on an unfavorable course.
Me space.You want to spend every waking moment with your significant other but they fight viciously for their “alone” time. Time apart often keeps a relationship fresh.
Your partner’s obsession with planning everything meticulously. Some people are more organised while others are more likely to go with the feel and improvise. The conflict can pan out in a number of issues - how to raise the children; spending and saving; the colour scheme of the furniture etc.
You both came from different family background and culture. Try to adjust in few things, keep your ego away and talk about the habits of your partner which you just can’t resist. Remember to be polite while discussing your partner’s annoying habits.
Change yourself, not your partner!
If you wish with all your heart to have a satisfying relationship you need to change yourself rather than try to change your partner. Ask yourself how you might be harming the relationship – rather than placing the blame on your partner. You need to acknowledge that each one of you has his/her own perception of reality, their own unique personality, their own ways of self-expression.
One of the things that really makes a strong marriage is the fact that we can change within our lifetime, and that if we change it would be because we want to change - not because the other person wants us to change or made us change.
Here is some advice on how to accept that our partner is different:
We are imperfect and so are our partners. Acceptance is the first step to personal growth, change, and self-improvement.
Replace the word perfect with “right for me.” You aren’t supposed to like every little thing about your partner. Even the happiest of couples don’t adore every thing in their partner and in an ideal world would make some changes. The key is that they don’t focus on the negatives — they focus on building the positive and love while accepting that they can’t change the rest.
So, don’t fall in love with the illusion of who someone could be or might become. Fall in love with who they are in the present moment.